Let me distill my thesis to its essence. I spent upwards of $50.00 on a Suicide Balloon so I could COMMIT SUICIDE.

The only prospect worse than living out the rest of my life is a sequence of botched attempts to bring about its conclusion in a public forum.
Have I engaged enough poignant nouns and colorful adjectives to attract the attention of your department for even a moment?

I'm sure you'll accept this complaint in the helpful tone in which it was intended.
Why not just offer a small handgun with an elongated barrel bent into a U shape and corresponding mouthpiece? I believe I fashioned one from clay in the third grade, but it cracked in the kiln.
Why enormous, child-sized ovens end up on display at just about every elementary school, I'll never know - but that's neither here nor there.
Had I any peace of mind along this journey, I might have untangled myself and fallen onto something sharp, like the cross on a church steeple.

And yes, I could have bit clean through the string I suppose, but I'm not inclined to pursue expensive, long-term health care solutions involving paralysis and lectures from paramedics. That's a little too Christmasy for my tastes, thank you.